I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Found the puke drawer
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
