Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize