Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
