i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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