maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
