I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
