I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He shit in the fireplace
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
