I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
