and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
