Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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