you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
