Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
