This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
