im drinking this country out of the recession.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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