It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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