You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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