um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
