fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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