If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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