im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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