it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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