u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
