someone threw a dead crab at me
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
