I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
