ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
