the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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