I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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