You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
