Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
