3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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