Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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