best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
