your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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