It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
you had me at cake vodka
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
