Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
