giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We're too hungover to prance.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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