Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
