I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
