Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize