God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
