The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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