i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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