I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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