And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
