I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize