um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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