he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
