i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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