There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
