I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
