There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
