I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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