I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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