thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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