This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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