my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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