First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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