He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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