if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
i think my cat just said my name.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
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