Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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