Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize