I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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