Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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