I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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