someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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