i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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